03.29.08

One and Only

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:22 pm by Anne

In this post I am going to talk about my husband so for those of you who prefer reading my usual trite commentary about how difficult being a parent is, just skip this one. It’s okay, I don’t mind one bit.

I don’t even feel like starting out with a ‘well, you know, Shan can be, how can i say a challenge to live with’, I’m not going to. He’s a type-A personality through and through and although he claims ‘to suffer fools poorly.’ I need to revise that. He suffers rude fools poorly. If you are at least a nice good-hearted person who happens to be a complete dumbass, he will still be a gentleman towards you.

Shan opens doors for women, he pulls stuck cars out of ditches, he takes up for the weak and speaks out against what he believes is wrong. He is respectful and polite to the elderly, and if you are a little kid, he’ll give you an airplane ride you won’t ever forget. His parents raised him with a lot of that southern gentility I had only read about until meeting him back in college.

Once you become a friend, he will go out of his way to help you in any way he can. Some people take advantage of his goodness, his abilities, his way of figuring things out, his time, and in my opinion, some people just take take take and never give anything back, but it doesn’t bother him. He will never say a bad thing about you but he will defend you and your honor and your families honor, really anything remotely related to you, he will defend you to to others. That is just the way he is.

He is now working two jobs to support the family; so that we can keep the children in preschool, so that I can buy organic milk and fresh produce up the yin yang, so that I can spend my days at home complaining about how difficult it is to be a SAHM. In addition to these things, he has a spot in the local government (non-paying), he is on the board at Habitat for Humanity (non-paying), and he has a chair at the homeowners association (also non-paying). And I cannot forget the local Aggie club he helped create. These volunteer positions take so much of his time but he does it because he values the community.

I get angry when he leaves a cereal bowl drying with milk on the counter, or when he tracks mud through the house that Piper will eat. It irritates me when he does a load of his own clothing on the occasion I’ve gotten behind in the laundry department. My blood boils when he is gone early and home late, but deep down I recognize that he is doing it for us. For the girls. For me. (Although honey, we’d like it more if you’d put a little water in the cereal bowl next time.)

He is brave and he is good and I know how lucky I am.

Besides all of this he is one sexy bastard. He works out like a badass at the gym. I can’t look at him in the mirrors because I will bust out laughing at his seriousness but the man knows how to work out. And he doesn’t only do it to look better or to feel more attractive. He mainly goes because he has three little daughters and he plans on seeing them though college, through marriage (if they so choose), through whatever twists and turns and blessings that their lives take. That is his real commitment. To be there.

To remain their hero as he is mine.

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03.26.08

Conversing with fools

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:43 pm by Anne

daffodils3

Originally uploaded by Dux

So here is the latest email I sent General Mills regarding their new fiber one yogurt:

Dear GMCS,

I recently purchased your fiber one yogurt, hoping to discover a nourishing product. Unfortunately, I should have first looked at the ingredient list. Why would a company add healthy fiber to a product containing unhealthy high fructose corn syrup? My family eats a lot of yogurt each week, the five of us make a tiny dent in overall yogurt consumption in town, I am sure. That said, I will have to continue purchasing yogurt made with real sugar by your competitors, until you stop with the toxic HFCS.

and here was the reply:

Dear Happy Homemaker(not my real name):

Thank you for your recent inquiry about Yoplait yogurt.

We use high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) in some Yoplait products as a sweetener.

HFCS is a liquid sweetener composed of fructose, a sugar found in fruit and other plants, and glucose, another type of sugar. It is commonly used in food products because it provides a pleasant sweetness like sugar and blends well with other ingredients. For yogurt, in particular, it helps reduce the tart taste.

HFCS is safe for use in foods. Although sugars, including HFCS, are often mistakenly linked to obesity, research has not shown good evidence that added sugars are causing obesity or any other chronic diseases including diabetes. Just like sugar, HFCS contains four calories per gram. It is an important ingredient in improving the taste of nutrient-rich food, like yogurt. Yogurt provides key nutrients for relatively few calories. Yoplait yogurts provide a good or excellent source of essential nutrients like calcium, vitamin A, vitamin D and protein.

Yoplait yogurt delivers a convenient portion control cup with a range of calorie options between 70 and 200 calories per serving.

We hope this information is helpful to you and thank you for your interest in our products. Complimentary certificates will be sent to your mailing address. Please allow 3 to 4 weeks for delivery.

Sincerely,

The lady who did not address the problem but who instead threw out a bunch of bullshit.

Asschickens. Surrounded by asschickens.

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03.25.08

From the old exhausted hag, ie your Mother.

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:33 am by Anne

Dear Piper,

I realize you are not feeling well. Whatever it is you ate after those two rounds of antibiotics has given you a nasty case of the runs. I get it. The heinous smell that lingers after each fetid diaper change is bad news but the resulting scrabby diaper rash is even worse. I am doing all that I know to do right now hon and now I need you to do some things for me.

1. Please stop waking up every two hours after I put you to bed at night. I already did that dance while you were getting nursed and I think only lactating or recently pregnant women can handle that routine with any kind of grace.

2. If you do happen to wake up, don’t kick your crib and scream as if to wake the dead. I would prefer if you used such terms as “Mommy” and “Daddy” and “Ooops, I’ve shat my pants!”

3. Don’t fight the expensive specially formulated diaper cream that I had to get mixed up at a pharmacy far far away. (Who knew that most ‘pharmacies’ nowadays are basically only places to sell drugs? Many of them here don’t even compound anymore.) We are going to use that gold up whether it works on your hiney or not.

Well, that’s about it, Baby. For now. I hope you enjoy your pro-biotic diet for the next week. Remember, Mama loves you.

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03.21.08

In a nutshell

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:56 am by Anne

Overheard last night at bedtime:

Emma: Daddy, will you tell me a story?
Shan: Not tonight honey, your sister is already sleeping.
Emma: Ok. Well then I need a hug and a kiss.

Shan leans down and obliges.

Shan: I love you Emma.
Emma: I love you too but it’s time for you to go to your own bed now.

Shan leaving.

Emma: See you in the morning.

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03.19.08

Meme tag

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:49 pm by Anne

Jaime over at Mom Around the Clock tagged me so here goes:

Seven things about me:

1. While finishing up my biochem degree I very nearly planned my life around becoming a dentist. Not because I was particularly interested in teeth or making grown men cry but because I could not for the life of me figure out what to do with myself after graduation. I had all the paperwork ready, interviews lined up, and the pre-dental school exam studied for when Cecily (if we were lesbos, we’d be married by now) basically used the socratic method to help me realize that a life of dentistry was not the one for me. Not that we are anti-dentites or anything.

2. I am having trouble getting rid of all my maternity clothing. It is washed and folded and stacked in my closet just waiting to be sold on ebay but come on, people, I am chasing three little hayseeds around all day long. Who has the time? I am hoping to get inspired before they become vintage maternity clothing.

3. I have mixed feelings about putting my daughters in public school. Although I like the idea of homeschooling them, not only does Shan not support the idea, I feel it would be too overwhelming for me to do a good job.

4. Speaking of, once the girls are all in school I am back to considering what I will do with myself. Who knows? I admire people who have their shit together, who know what they are doing, who make plans. I cannot imagine running another laboratory or working for the man but neither do I plan on staying at home all day long folding laundry and watching Oprah with wild abandon. I wonder if people would hire me to yell and act disappointed? I am very good at that.

5. Currently, my favorite sandwich is as follows: thinly sliced sourdough bread painted with a slight yellow coat of mustard, Pillars Gypsy salami, and sharp cheddar cheese, preferably one of the Tillamook varietals. Healthy it ain’t but oh hell, it sure is tasty.

6. On the subject of victuals and potables, I’ve also lately been consumed with a mad desire to drink an ice cold tall bottle of coke imported from Mexico every day. Does anyone know why Mexico does not use high fructose corn syrup instead of all natural sugar? My teeth may be begging for mercy but my soul practically becomes one with om and I ask you, which is more important? Exactly.

7. I have more mixing bowls than I need, more kitchen tools than I use, and no money to speak of and yet, when Williams-Sonoma send an email inviting me to purchase items with free shipping, my blood pressure sky rockets and I see stars. Damn Williams-Sonoma, damn them for being so good. Hey look! It’s my cappucino-maker!

Ok, let me find a few people to tag: (and all you others don’t get your panties in a twist, I’m going to tag people who actually comment.)

Jamie, BJ, JC, Ali, Jenny, SJSFALTER, Zoe, Bippity, and Erin, Ya’ll can thank me later.

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03.18.08

Dear people of the world,

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:13 pm by Anne

In case you are wondering what to get me for my birthday, I am giving out this memo. You’ll note I’ve broken it down by price range.

1. This little beauty just came out and you know how much I like coffee in the morning and how I will do most anything to get it.

($100)

2. A movie without popcorn is like a day without sunshine. I’ve been wanting one of these since Sputnik. Look at how much money I save you with your Sam’s card!

($600)

3. This is what I really really want more than anything besides fame, fortune, immortality, and the ability to grant wishes, though, so if you gave me this I would know you loved me. A lot. Nothing says love like purchasing power.

($2800)

But what I really want is to hang out, so just come to my party, okay?

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03.16.08

the talk

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:34 am by Anne

tulips

Originally uploaded by Dux

So a few days ago in the car Lily asked about a family we haven’t seen lately. There are 5 kids in the family, mostly older girls, all good kids but we’ve been on different schedules for at least a year now and haven’t visited in a long time.

Lily: How are Aubrey and Shelby, Mom?

Me: Oh I’m sure they are just fine, enjoying high school and driving. (wince)

Lily: Yeah. I bet they have boyfriends. (pause) I don’t have a boyfriend.

Me: (appalled) What? You have friends that are boys…Jason and David and Drew…that’s a lot of boyfriends. It’s nice to be friends with boys. I used to have many many friends that were boys.

Lily:Why are there boyfriends?

(See Mommy start imploding.)
But wait! Emma pipes up!

Emma: (excitedly) Mommy!

Me: Yes, honey?

Emma: I LOVE ice water!!!

Wow.

Saved by the Emma.

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03.14.08

Addiction

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:39 am by Anne

birdbath

Originally uploaded by Dux

And this is just another example of why I am and always will be smitten with that castoff store TUESDAY MORNING. I put off ever going there, for years people, but wow. I mean WOW!

This birdbath caught my eye and nested in my brain for days. That’s how I knew I had to go back and get one.

Everyone needs to provide a place of respite for our flying vectors of disease, after all. I think your lives, in general, would be plenty improved if you too owned a bird bath and that is my friday morning advice. From tuesday morning.

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03.13.08

Questions you don’t want to ask.

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:24 pm by Anne

It is troubling that all I could find on the internet to answer my question was this thread. Even more troubling is that we do not have a cat, just a three year old. Is cat pee in a boot worse smelling than kid pee in a boot?

BTW, let me know if you have a method for getting the smell out of cowboy boots. Thanx.

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Mining the Pipes.

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:52 pm by Anne

Poor Piper. She is not having a very good run of it lately. As it were.

In the first case, those antibiotics she’s been on for the past 3 weeks have led to horrendous diarrhea accompanied by diaper rash desecreation I have never EVER seen before. By now I don’t just buy those tubes of Desitin, oh no, I get the freaking TUBS and we go through then as if they were simply the tubes of medicating zinc.

Occasionally after changing a diaper and bathing the backside (wipes are not allowed on a rash this severe), I’ll dry her off and let her toddle through the house nekkid. Back in the day when my sister had the scorching rashes herself (BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABS!! YOU ARE SUCH AN OLD HAG NOW!!), I recalled my parents letting her run through the house bareassed. It was so embarrassing trying to explain to my preteen friends why the baby was not wearing a diaper, or anything else for that matter. And to be honest, people, I do not for the like of me understand how they did it. I never remembered them having to clean up after her, nor do I remember newspaper all over the floor as if she were a puppy. All I know is that if I turn my back for a split second, the next thing I know is Piper will be on all fours fingerpainting with her own urine or worse lowering her head for a taste.

Then, last night during supper with parents and both sets of grandparents, Piper’s Grampa speed loaded her full of beans. Now she must have liked them because she continued asking for more and more and more, but I am telling you. Little did I know that my comment to him, “Oh don’t worry, I’ll be calling you at midnight shen she wakes up howling.” would be a sad premonition. I woke up at about 1AM because that dude I share a bed with was poking me in the ribs. “The baby is crying.”

Yeah. Thanks.

So I go in and she is not just screaming, not just crying, Piper was so upset I actually considered that she might be posessed by a lesser demon. I think now it was just bad gas. For an hour.

Get well Pipes, get well.

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