05.31.06

Happy Hump Day!

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:07 am by Anne

yesterday i had to take Em to her 18 mo. checkup and because we have no babysitter, Lily came along for the ride. Holy. Shit. After waiting in the big waiting room for 15 minutes while they ran around ingratiating themselves to other patients, we wound up in the little check-up room for another half hour. It was hell. There were no toys. So my girls tag-teamed the remaining chair in the room, either pushing it over to the table and climbing up or else standing on top of the thing and flicking the light switch repeatedly. on. off. on. off. off. off. on, ad nauseum. you might be thinking, “WTF! Does she not have a better handle on her kids?” Any advice on how to keep an 18 mo. old and a 3 yr old sitting tight with their hands in their laps would be greatly appreciated. Hell, it is my brthday. I am 33 yrs old now. So yay!

Then, to make things even cooler, right before the Dr walked in, I tooted. And it was stanky. Not the burn your nostrils nast (my sister is nefarious for unleashing those bad boys) but smelly nevertheless. So I got to participate in that age-old game we play with other adults, where we both pretend there is no nasty stink in the air while trying to maintain mature conversation. I love that game.

The visit was capped off with Emma receiving a hep A shot. I looked at the little information sheet later and have a question. Why the HELL does she need a hep-A shot? My little girl is neither an intravenous drug user or sexually active. How could she possibly ever contract hep-A? Any of you droogs know the answer to that?

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05.30.06

It must be the hairdo.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:33 pm by Anne

So today I nearly lost it went completely apeshit all over my girls at Wallyworld. OMG. It was ugly. If Emma wasn’t crying or dripping snot all over herself, then Lily was running off, touching everything in the aisle, and failing to mind me. I reprimanded the girl a million times, threatened to hold her hand, threatened to put her in the full grocery cart (she must have sensed my bluff.), until I finally squatted on my heels and jerked her over to me. A little harder than I meant to and it probably looked an awful lot like abuse to the woman behind us with the perfect little angel daughters looking on.

sigh.

Some people make it look so easy to shop with their kids. WTF is up with that?

At one point Emma started pointing and babbling ‘bay-bee bay-bee’ and I heard a woman confirm ‘yes, that is a baby.’ I turned around cringing at the notion of having to make adult conversation with a complete stranger but was pleasantly surprised. The woman had a little girl about Lily’s age and the two of them immediately got through with the tediousness of introductions, giving Emma and I plenty of time to smile at the 4 month old baby. Wouldn’t you know it, our two carts created a roadblock and we both apologized to the dried up old hag of a seawitch who glared and muttered long after we made a path for other wallyworld consumers. Man. Life must be hard when you are a bitter beyotz like that.

Then we went our separate ways but met up again at checkout. Just before paying she said, “Hey, we should exchange phone numbers so that our girls can play sometime. There is a really nice park near our house.” Who am I to say no? Besides she seemed like a nice person and Lord knows I need more of them in my life. Even with my marine haircut I still got hit on. How awesome is that?!

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check it.

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:23 pm by Anne

I found this little guy on my fennel. Baby Monarch you think? 

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bitchin’ at the gym

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:48 am by Anne

i never told ya’ll what it was like getting to the gym at 9AM, both girls loaded and ready to go, three weeks ago. The doors were locked and there was a cheesy-assed handmade sign on the door that read: We are closed for the next two weeks. Corporate has taken over and there will be all new equipment. In the meantime feel free and drive around the nearby cities for your workout needs.

Yeah, I was pissed. No warning. No letter in the mail. Nobody even there to answer questions. My gym has always been a bit on the shady side. They had already picked up and moved to this location a year ago and all the old gym equipment stayed at the old spot, locked up, unused….talk suggested it was because they just jumped the lease. Whatever. I had signed up for a three year kick me in the teeth contract before Emma was born so I was stuck.

Today was our first trip back. Oh the cardio equipment was new, but there were no weight machines. At all. And don’t get me started on the free weight situation. I walked over to the aerobic class area and was about to pick up a few when an elderly lady asked, “Are you in the class?”

Me: oh no no no..i haven’t done a class in many years. I was just going to borrow some weights.
Her: Well, that’s okay. But it is a good class. You should try it. Besides it is weight training.

gahhhhh. and sigh. and oh yeah…zzzZZZZzzzzz

So this old lady rooked me in, set me up with a stretch tubs, a step, and the free weights I needed. Then the instructor walked in and I got to discover how out of shape I am. oh yeah, I need to keep going back. My poor weak body. Poor thing.

I did finally learn what had actually transpired with the franchise owners. Apparently they decided they didn’t want to own the gym anymore but nobody wanted to pay their exorbitant selling price. They complained to corporate who basically told them they were SOL and to deal with it. So to get back at corporate, and every fucking client by extension, they brought in a moving truck one night and took everything that wasn’t nailed down. What fucking asshole idiot babies. I am not a huge fan of my gym by any standards but their behaviour was lamer than lame. I hope they get their asses kicked when all the financial hoo-haw lands back on their smarmy piss-ant posteriors.

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05.29.06

plans within plans

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:21 pm by Anne

so did i tell you how i decided to throw a little ‘afternoon tea’ at my house thursday? under the guise of ‘getting together with a few of the playgroup moms, Lily’s two preschool teachers were also roped in. to be honest tho, i will try my best to seduce one of the teachers into becoming my friend. who knows? weirder shit has happened.

the menu so far:

pasta salad
fruit salad
chicken salad served atop puff pastry tarts

blueberry iced tea

mini lemon-strawberry dacquoise
petit chocolate cream puffs

pretty fru-fru don’t you think? who knows how it will go over, with a gaggle of hellions dashing through the place. i just hope they don’t gang up on me and laugh at my man-hairdo.

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happy memorial day splash

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:50 pm by Anne

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i like these little guys

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:49 pm by Anne

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05.25.06

hairday

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:29 pm by Anne

I got my haircut again. This time it is really short. And if I resembled Natalie Portman at all then well, you know, I could die happy with my looks but as it is, I am okay with the hair. Shoot, man, it’ll grow right? I was just getting so tired of the straggly bumpy hairs in back and Lord knows I cannot spend too much time effing it each day. That will not fly with the activity directors in charge.

And speaking of which, my birthday is next wednesday, so what did you beyotzes get me? Do they even sell kegs of vodka? I’m just sayin’.

Meanwhile, I am waiting to hear back about the mammogram I got on monday. After waiting over an hour (and reading every last piece of tripe available) the technician came in apologizing. Apparently my Dr who had ordered the thing was having trouble using his fax machine. She led me back there anyway, to the million dollar radiation emitter, and got me to play twister by myself for about 6 minutes total. Well, I wasn’t really by myself. I got to wrap my arms around this cold machine while my tiny flapjacks sat stretched out in front me on a little shelf, all the while dropping this or that shoulder and keeping my jaw out of the way of the arm. In the end though, it wasn’t traumatic or even really painful. I have a feeling that mammograms have come a long long way.

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05.23.06

Day After Monday

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:56 am by Anne

Thanks to everyone who commented with suggestions and support, I really appreciate the time and effort you put into considering this thing. After a few days of mulling it over we’ve decided that the best thing to do from now on is to 1) make sure the bedroom door stays open and 2) prevent the two of them from playing together alone. The curiosity issue will only grow as they get older and I am considering putting into practice the same rules with all kids that come over. sigh.

We had long conversations with the boy’s parents about this and while they are predisposed to taking their son’s version of events they also understand how we have to err on the side of safety. It wouldn’t have been such a grotesque affair if these people were not some of our closest friends. We go camping together for crissakes! I took their daughter’s prom pictures!

Thankfully, I don’t think much of anything occurred. The hardest part was how Lily had added, ‘again’ to the question. I can’t let that part go but I can agree that most kids are going to investigate these things and all I can do is try to protect my girls as long as possible while being totally accessible to questions and consults.

I am looking very forward to returning back to my regularly pathetic blog entries consisting of bitching, moaning, and the usual self absorbed prattle. Stay tuned and thanks again, ya’ll.

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05.20.06

Please tell me what you would do.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:58 am by Anne

My Dad passed away two years ago today and I was planning on writing a tribute entry but something a lot more immediate, something that is freaking me out more than a little has happened and I really need your advice on how you would hande it.

So last night we had friends come over. It was fun. They have an 8 yr old boy who Lily adores and they played together all oer the house, and in the backyard. This morning he came over again while his Dad and Shan drove off for an errand. No big deal at all. I told them I was going to jump in the shower real quick and when I got dressed and went upstairs to check on them, I found Lily’s door was closed and right before I went in I heard her say, “Rob, can I touch your penis again?!” Shocked, I went into some weird silent mode, walked in, saw them sitting on the bed together (fully dressed), and said, “Come on Lily, let’s get something else to wear.” Then we all went downstairs, I helped Lily brush her teeth and wash her hands. I asked her about Rob’s penis and she of course had nothing to tell me about it. Her little brain cannot be expected to describe seeming non-events I think. And I didn’t want to make this into a huge ugly deal. I remember engaging in some touchy-feely exploration when I was very young too…a number of times in fact, long before puberty ever hit. But I am also so fearful of any harm coming to my girls, especially sexual abuse, I am having trouble gaining perspective.

After taking a few deep breaths and realizing that I was the damn adult I called Rob over and asked him what had happened up in the room, that I had heard what Lily had said. (I forgot to add here that right after Lily asked about touching the penis that Rob responded by shushing her loudly.) He denied everything. He told me Lily was just saying the word penis’ on her own and that all that had happened was that she had gone pee and that he had helped her put on her panties. His story makes even less sense than Lily’s lack of one.

So a little help ladies?

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